some of you, especially those that have known me for quite sometime might know of this but it’s something that i’ve kept within me for a long time and not often talked about.
i’m not the only child in my family, i’m actually the youngest.
my dad has a previous failed marriage and had 3 kids before me.
2 daughters and a son, the son being the youngest.
i could barely remember having an elder brother as he left home when i was still very young. the 2 elder sisters had left home before i was born (i think).
i remember him sharing a room with me when we were still staying in commonwealth and i remember him leaving home after a big fight.
it wasn’t until i was in my early teens when i realised that i had 2 elder sisters. we were attending a wedding and 2 ladies out of nowhere came over to get their children to call “grand pa”.
i had long wanted to know the early history of my family but it wasn’t sure i wanted to ask my mom let alone my dad.
i only got to really meet up close and personal with my siblings only when my dad had a stroke in 1997.
we weren’t close close but at least i knew their faces even thought we never or seldom talk.
hack! i don’t even know my sisters’ names then.
i always wanted to talk to them, to get to know them better but didn’t have the guts to.
it was until the final night of my dad’s funeral earlier this year that everything came to light.
all that happened before i was born.
all that happened before i could recall anything.
it was shocking news to me cause there were certain events that, i can never expect, happened.
the events gave me a very clear picture on why certain things happened, not only in my immediate family but in my extended family as well.
it explained why my grandfather looked at me differently when he was alive. (i have never told anyone this)
it explained why i was treated so differently from my cousins.
it explained why i was so pampered and spoilt. (during my younger days, of course)
it explained why my aunts and uncles look at me at way.
i won’t write what happened as they were my own memories to keep (and they ain’t nice)
but the truth will always be part of me.
the burden will always be there for me to carry.
i was 26 when i finally got to talk to my siblings as a sibling.
i’m 26 years too late but i’ll try and catch up with them as much as i can.
they are afterall, my blood related.
and for all the things that happened, i really salute them,
for getting to where they are right now,
for becoming who they are now,
in spite of what happened during their earlier days.
i am the youngest and the only one who had everything i ever wanted when i was young,
but i was also the most “si bai” one.
i’ve lots to learn from them,
and i wish i could meet them more often but i don’t seem to have the guts to ask them out.
deep inside me, i couldn’t express how sorry i felt, for my mere existence had caused them so much pain and suffering.
i know you guys don’t blame me for the things that happened but i still feel bad.
so give me this once chance to apologise, on behalf of my mom and i, for all the bad things that directly or indirectly lead to your pain and suffering.
they probably won’t get to read this post but still, it feels like a load off my chest.
cheers to my elder siblings,
tan lee fang
tan lee jee
tan heng thye,
their spouses and
their children (especially my 2 cute nephews)
all the best and good luck.
i’ll always be your little brother.
- i.am@jacktan.org
